Thursday, January 2, 2014

Though my heart is full of the sincerest gratitude this day, for family, friends, strangers who opened up their hearts to make sure my children had Christmas this year, I can't help but crying.
When others are around, I won't show my fears, I rarely cry in front of anyone, with the exception of gratitude tears.
But these past 9 months, my pillow has seen more tears then ever in my life. My heart has felt more fear, and my mind more turning.
I have attempted stay the strong one, because I have no other choice. I can not cry in front of my kids, I can not show fear, as I do not want them to be afraid. When you ask if I am okay, I will always tell you yes, I am fine, as I know you may not be able to make me okay.

As we draw closer to Korbyns 4th birthday, the emotions of all he has been through in his 3rd year are closer to the surface than I tend to let show. Knowing day one march 26th my little one was oh so close to deaths door, and we started to fight along side him for life. I can't help the tears. I scroll through pictures, and the tears flow freely from my eyes. This year it is my resolution to bring more awareness to childhood cancer. It's not just the cute little bald heads, its the pinning your child down to give them medicine they need to live, I pin my child's arms back and force poison down his throat because I want to see him graduate high school. I want to see him learn to ride a bike, I want to see him blow out birthday candles. I want him in my life, I need him in my life.
My faith in God has been shaky at best, but seeing the power of prayer each day in my child's eyes has restored a part of the faith I thought I would never get back. I don't hold bitter feelings towards the healthy kids in peoples lives, I praise god for them. I thank god for the blessings that I see now more apparent than ever before. I pray for the day that cancer is just a zodiac sign.

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