today we talk about some emotional aspects of childhood cancer.
when we potty trained korbyn in february before he was diagnosed, I bribed him, by telling him he could go to school like big sister does, if he's a big boy and goes potty in the toilet.
it took a weekend. he wants to be a big boy. as we move closer to kindergarten for sissy he sees that we are getting her set for school. and heart break sets in, on me as he asks about ms. julie, and who will drop him off, and pick him up from preschool.
it may seem dumb to you, but it is so hard emotionally. how do you explain this to a 3 year old, that you can't go to preschool. stupid cancer put her nose in our lives, and even though you are a big boy and earned it, you can't go. He wants to go to ms. Julies class, he loves her. and as a mommy it is so hard to break this promise to him.
schooling as well is something that is taken for granted. and with pediatric cancer is an emotional pain that's not always seen. the tears of this little boy, as I tell him he can't go to preschool, hurt beyond words. and I can't even console him. he pushes me away and says leave him alone. because he is hurting. and his hurt in this mothers heart, is a pain no one can ease. its a burden no one can lighten, its a tear no one can dry.

http://www.gofundme.com/2zeq04

after being asked by a couple people, here is korbyns link to go fund me.
also there are team korbyn shirts available, send payment to korbyns fight@gmail.com
its 20.00 including shipping. in the memo/notes, indicate sizes, and shipping address.

thank you

my wonderful cousin ethan sent the kids cards in the mail, filled with so much love, and encouragement.
Ethan knows what toll chemo and radiation takes on your body, ethan as a child too, has been there.
thank you ethan for your words to encourage korbyn, and your friendship to kynzee. and thank you for showing us the other c words, that have a nicer tone to them.

first you learn to climb

you learn great things a little at a time, to learn to climb a mountain, first you learn to climb.

an awesome quote.
Favorite quote--author unknown.

"Children with cancer are like candles in the wind who accept the possibility that they are in danger of being extinguished by a gust of wind from nowhere and yet, as they flicker and dance to remain alive, their brilliance challenges the darkness and dazzles those of us who watch their light" -Author Unknown

all it takes is one simple spark to get a fire going. Korbyn is that spark, that keeps my fire going, he is that light in the darkest of times.
him and his big sister, are the reason I am who I am. you call me amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful. I no longer negate these things, as I know I have 2 wonderful children who teach me to be just that every day.
this life right now is no where nears where I dreamed it would be, but through the trials, I am learning that God only gives you what you can handle, and he gives you the special child spirits if you are deserving. I still haven't figured out just why we must be going down this path, but I do know, if you let God, and his infinite wisdom assist you, in the journey, you will reach that destination.
what that final destination may be, I do not know, nor do I know who, what, when, how, god will work through others to help us get there, but someway, somehow we will.

for years I have struggled spiritually, and having any faith at all in God. im still far from where I need to be, to let that light shine, for now, I help that light shine in my brave son, who is that flickering candle in the wind, and I will help him, so that his light will shine, to bring courage, hope, and bravery to the world. I will hold that light heaven ward so all that are willing or want, can see that flickering light, for light and warmth, in their coldest, darkest times.

what does brave mean to you

to me, the essence of bravery is a child, who has been given challenges in life, and yet continues, with all their effort to be just that , a child.
if I could trade places with korbyn and take this demon on myself, I would, in less than a heartbeat. but in all honesty, could I do what he does, with as much courage, and fight, without complaint, with very few tears, and no pity me party train? no I couldn't because, I am not as strong as this wonderful child. I see the pain, the sickness, the misery, every day. And he doesn't ever want or seek the sympathy, he is a child. the bravest 3 year old I know.,
as adults when we have a pain, a cut, a bruise, we seek after the sympathetic head turn of, ' oh you poor thing, are you okay'. children cry when they are hurt, yes, but do they cry over "spilled milk" as much as adults.
korbyn shows me daily that heroes come in all shapes, and sizes. and bravery is a state of mind, he is that picture of brave.
some people go their entire lives without meeting their heroes, I'm the lucky one, I gave birth to mine.
my children are the reason I do anything in life. they are my life.

jason mraz blaring some korbyn rally song.
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

here we go. 3 pushes of the hdmtx. some iv zofran to combat nausea.
we got this ninja fighter. my sons battle is my battle.
some people never meet their hero, I gave birth to mine.
korbyn continues to amaze me with his courage and bravery every day. at 3 years old he is being put the test more than I can fathom, with all of the courage and bravery of the strongest warriors.
he shows me daily what it truly means to be brave.
he is a strong warrior like grandpa, and he will beat cancer like his grandma.

lets talk reality for a moment. we all have our sob stories. but did you know the cost if treating pediatric cancer with insurance is almost 1000 a month? but you have to do it, you need your kids in your life.

I am a pediatric cancer advocate, because kids should never fight alone, and I need my son in my life. my children are my life.

time for a michelle twist to bring humor and positive spin. thank god they can't repo chemo.

they power of prayer and love, amazes me sometimes. and the prayers for my little warrior bring tears to my eyes, knowing he has friends worldwide rooting for him, from Germany, to China, to Canada etc.
I am so amazed at the love and crusaders who are sending prayers, and good thoughts for victory for my child.
together many people can do wonderful things.
trying to relax today, before getting set for the next installment of treatment. we have blood work tomorrow hospital thursday, hopefully just thursday. no more unscheduled appearances up there. we have an actual home, that I would rather hang out at :-)

teaching kynzee about words that rhyme tonight.
describes our exciting day to a T.
korbyn fell down the stairs and his access was ripped out of his port. scary day. he is fine, but scary day.

so tonight I was teaching kynzee about words that rhyme. very observant 5 year old.

Korbyn bear fell down the stairs, and I was scared, and mommy freaked out for a little bit.
I went to tami bears house. and korbyn bear messed up his face.

can we have a normal day around here?

teaching kynzee about words that rhyme tonight.
describes our exciting day to a T.
korbyn fell down the stairs and his access was ripped out of his port. scary day. he is fine, but scary day.

so tonight I was teaching kynzee about words that rhyme. very observant 5 year old.

Korbyn bear fell down the stairs, and I was scared, and mommy freaked out for a little bit.
I went to tami bears house. and korbyn bear messed up his face.

can we have a normal day around here?

giving back

we have a unique opportunity to give back. we met a wonderful woman saturday at the yard sale, who works with a non profit, and gives to underprivileged children provides light to them at christmas time, etc.
I saved all of the nicer looking books in my garage, for her to go through, in an effort to maybe pour sunshine into smothers soul during their hard time.
we understand what it feels like to be in need of a hand. and I am truly a believer in people helping people, and the world needs more of it.
I am not sure who, if anyone reads this blog, but for those of you that do, for the month of september because that's childhood cancer awareness month, I challenge all of you to pay it forward. someway somehow. it doesn't have to be big, it can be something like paying for the food at a restaurant for someone else. mowing someone elses lawn, etc. you never know if your random act of kindness will be just what a struggling soul needs at that time.

love, and prayers
michelle

thank you to everyone for your support at the yard sale today. your love and support are very much appreciate during this trying time.

korbyn update. he has not been drinking much this afternoon, and we will hook him up to the iv fluids tonight. he is a pickle.

our second home

spent a couple more unexpected visits days at the hospital. its pretty much our second home, definitely costs more than our actual home.

ninja man has fallen off the drinking wagon again. boo. when he is a college boy i will happily say my son is not a drinker. but when he's a toddler fighting cancer refusing to drink; i say boo. 

convincing powers of mommy, they just order fluids for home, leave the port accessed, i took that "training course" already let us go home.
yeah for home. boo for not drinking and needing to keep the " korbyn on a string" get up to prevent dehydration.

yesterday was an exciting day. We traded fun homemade goodies with another cute little one fighting leukemia. We made hair bows for her fundraiser, and her wonderful mommy gave us some beautiful jewelry for korbyns.
we received boxes of love from another cutie, filled with necessities for keeping the korbster healthy, and little gifts for sissy as well, and mommy things.
And we ended the day with a trip ti the hospital. high fevers are automatic emergency room visits. Luckily his neutrophils were high enough, and we live close enough they let us go home to watch him there.
It was perfect timing when the Mormon Missionaries stopped yesterday to offer assistance for Saturdays fundraiser. I was waiting on oncology to call back, and they knew i was worried, They offered korbyn a blessing for healing and strength.
those young men will be there to help with the fundraiser Saturday. if i give them "team korbyn" shirts to wear on their rest day, is that acceptable practice?

my life has changed these past few months, and a new purpose and destiny are evident. spread the word about childhood cancer, get korbyn better, and after we have made our way past these next 4 years, we will find a way to help others. we will be the beacon of strength, courage, bravery that others will need.

update time

korbyn finally made counts that indicated his chemo can be bumped in intensity, add that to spinal tap chemo, Korbyn ended up with twice the highest potency he had received yet. OY VEY!!! he was sporting the cute shirt aunt Treva found for him today, and the nurses, loved it. i love that they adore my little ninja warrior.
the shirt says, sorry girls mommy says no dating. hee hee. he is always a hit at clinic, and that shirt is very fitting.
he likes to help the nurses flush his port line, after they take blood. he is being such a trooper through this all. he is definitely well beyond his years.
i am still working on getting some pictures up, from the awesome fighting ALL ninjas run Saturday, where the kids of karate gave korbyn an honorary black belt.

team korbyn

if you would like to help korbyns family with support with medical bills, prescriptions, cleaning supplies. and show korbyn he is loved; by so many, we still have shirts available from the wonderful event for him yesterday put on by www.loveoflifefoundation.org

the cost is $20.00 and that includes shipping. you can send payment to p.o. box 70254
west valley city, ut. 84120

or paypal to korbynsfight@gmail.com

please include notes of where to ship your shirts, and sizes.

thank you for your love and support for korbyn and his family during this trying time. your love and support is very much appreciated, and it teaches us that there is good in the world; and that we truly are not in this fight alone.

cancer is not discriminatory. it doesn't care your age, race, body type, religious or sexual preference. and having the support of family, friends, and strangers is often the light in the dark tunnel that those affected by this horrible disease need to make through the days.

my love for each of you that reaches out; and shows us the good, grows daily.
we are so grateful for those who are there for us on this path. and i want you all to know, that it doesn't go unnoticed. God knows, and we know. and we love you for it.

may the light of Gods grace shine bright in your lives today, and always.

all of my love

Michelle.

who wants to email me pictures from the wonderful run today? please..
nolipsnicerack@gmail.com

again my heart is so overcome from the love for my brave ninja fighter. i don't even know where to begin saying thank you. my life was forever changed 3.5 months ago, and seeing the love everyone has for my little boy, fighting with more bravery than i can fathom, is overwhelming and awesome, and my love for each of you is beyond words.

you all showed me today, that love comes in many ways, and through the hard times there are angels among us, that truly come to us in our darkest hours.

its not easy for me understand why my brave boy was chosen for this path, but i know now, God won't let us go through trials to hard for us to handle. with continued love, and support through this journey, we will be stronger for having gone through it.
" a child shall lead them."

thank you for the reassurance that we are not alone in the battle against the bad ninjas.

my heart is so full of gratitude today. thank you for everyone that was out today in support , and solidarity to show korbyns how much he is loved for his fighting ALL ninjas run.
our hearts are so full of love and thanks to each of you.
thank you to Jyl, Billy, wonderful volunteers from love of life foundation. my love and heart to you guys for this.

pictures coming to a computer near you soon.

He's a dainty eater, and when chocolate is involved, a girl after my own heart is a scarfer.
BTW i love his krispy kreme hat. Korbyn says he will work at the donuts place when he's a grown up.
Dream big i guess.

Happy independence day, stay safe this holiday.

We are 1 day away from kids get cancer too Friday, wear your orange for leukemia awareness, your gold for childhood cancer awareness.

We are 2 days away from korbyns race against ALL ninjas.

We are 3 days away from blood count checks.

We are 4 days away from the next round of chemo.

Available this weekend at the run for those who are interested we will have the team korbyns, i wear orange for korbyns fight. T shirts.

If you would like a shirt, they are available for $20.00 including shipping. you can send payments via paypal to
korbynsfight@gmail.com
include in the notes sizes, and where you like your shirt mailed too.
Thank you for your continued prayers for this handsome little guy, and all of us who are deeply affected by this.
If you are attending the race you can purchase a shirt there for $15.00

I am having a pity party today. Best case scenario treatment is 3 and a half years... Korbyn will be 3 and half this weekend. And i think about how much has changed since he was born, from moving, to cars, to plates used for dinner.
That's a long time. 3 and a half months into this and we've already pushed that 3 and a half years longer because of delays, and failures to be under certain counts. Re-routed treatment plans, had our share of scares. We have gained weight assisted with steroids, and now are down 4 lbs less than starting weight. We have bought bigger shorts only to dig out the 18 mth sizes again. We have laughed, cried, prayed, and pleaded with God to give me this burden instead of my child. Though still relatively young myself i have lived my life, take this from my son, and i will carry it.
We have been criticized and we have been praised.
We have admitted we need help, only after pride to side showed we can't do this alone.
But at the end of the day, we pray and we say our thank you, to those of you who see all sides of this trial and the brave courage of this pint sized ninja warrior, and show us that people helping people, is what the world needs more of.
God bless you this day and always, and thank you for that hand you reach out for us to hold on to.

You wanna run away run away and you say that it can be so. You wanna look away look away but you stay cause its all so close.
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face of what i don't understand
My reason to be brave.

Korbyn shows me daily a reason to be brave. At the young tender age he is, he truly is the description of brave.
Fight the good fight my little man. You have a mommy, daddy, sister. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and so many korbyn krusaders who look at you as their reason to be brave.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McdMwOV0y6c&feature=youtube_gdata_player